


Uno - The Paralogue

by Manic_Misanthrope



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Card Games, Crack, Gen, UNO, With apologies to Achievement Hunter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23943943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manic_Misanthrope/pseuds/Manic_Misanthrope
Summary: The preperations are complete, the night of the ritual is at hand, the Holy Tomb's defences will be removed in time for the Flame Emperor's arrival. All Hubert has to do now is find a way to get out of playing Uno with the other Black Eagles in time to come to the rescue, easier said than done.
Kudos: 8





	Uno - The Paralogue

For Hubert, tonight was to be the night. All the preparations had been made, the soldiers had made their way in under disguise, even that incompetent toad that Duke Adrunel insisted on taking with her couldn't screw this up too badly. No longer would he have to continue playing at being a student and within the month this hellish establishment would be brought down to rubble.

All he had to do now was watch as the Golden Deer class made their way to the Holy Tomb, diligently removing any defences as they went (how considerate of them) while he waited for lady Edelgard's signal for his inevitable intervention. Unfortunately this had the side effect of looking like he had nothing to do for the day, an expression pounced upon by a certain blue-haired lout. “C'mon Hubert! We need a fourth!” Caspar demanded as he pulled the much taller young man around with surprising ease.

“Surely there could be someone else you could bother with this.” Growled her Majesty's servant as he was manhandled back to the Black Eagle classroom.

“Well yeah, but Dorothea's with professor Manuella, Ferdinand's on stable duty and Bernie just runs away every time I get near her to ask.”

 _Perhaps Bernadetta had the right idea_ thought Hubert “Petra then.” He suggested, anyone but him.

“Petra doesn't know how to play.” Caspar dismissed.

“It's the most simple game in existence. You're not demanding her play chess against a master.” Hubert insisted, trying not to stumble over the stonework.

“I dunno, Lin's really good at it. Beats me every time.”

“It's _Uno!_ ” the sinister servant hissed in exasperation “It's purely luck based, there's no grand strategy, you just play the colours and that's it. I'm sure she can grasp the concept within a nanosecond!”

“Well... we only need one more and I've already got you so...” Caspar trailed off as they passed the Blue Lion's classroom, earning a few quizzical tilts of the head from the various students as he was lead into the Black Eagle's room. The benches had been shoved aside to make room for a round table that looked suspiciously like it had been stolen from the tea gardens, with the exception of the glowing orange rune in the centre that two people were peering over: one dressed in full white armour, scratching his short brown hair while the other, a green-haired student flicked his gaze between the rune and a book he had in hand “HEY LIN! I FOUND HIM!” the blue haired noble yelled at people barely 10 feet away.

“Ah, Caspar! You found someone!” Alois beckoned, not fazed by the noise in the slightest as he greeted the arrival with a typical wide smile. Hubert wondered if his years on the battlefield had damaged his hearing somewhat if he could tolerate this volume without comment. Linhardt on the other hand, he knew you had to be loud with otherwise there was no guarantee he'd wake up.

“Oh, Hubert,” the long-haired narcoleptic added with his usual tone of 'I will not be made to care about this so don't even try' “I didn't think you'd enjoy a game with your fellow students.”

“He's fine, Lin. So what's this magic thingy?” Caspar interjected before Hubert could raise his voice.

“I was under the impression this was for a game of cards, not another one of your experiments, Linhardt.” Hubert sighed as he took a seat. If Linhardt was occupied with whatever this incantation was, perhaps he'd get an excuse to leave without risking being late for Edelgard's operation.

“Oh it is, apparently the game is much older than previously thought according to some of the records in the Abyss, and there were additional rules in combination with some form of automated enchantment to allow added complications,” Linhardt explained with a slight smile “Including a scoring system for some reason. I've been trying to get my interpretation of it to work for the past month.”

“No time like the present to test it out then!” Alois cheered as the mage waved vaguely at the runes, colours changing from orange to purple “It's amazing that it works at all.”

“I'm not sure that it is...” the mage responded as he flicked through the pages, trying to figure out what the shift in hues meant for their game “So purple means that-”

“C'mon let's get started!” Caspar insisted as he sat down next to Linhardt, inadvertently smacking one of the smaller circles of the runes spreading out from the deck of cards, turning it from purple back to orange while the rest slowly turned into a shade of luminescent pink. Hubert settled for being relieved that the fighter's impulsive tendencies didn't detonate the room there and then.

“Alright, according to this, it now wants the 'host' to enter the points required for victory before it begins the game,” Lin read, nodding as Caspar spurred the change in colour “So pick a number between zero and one thousand... whatever those mean.”

“Let's go middle of the road. A good 500 shouldn't take too long.” The knight suggested, much like Caspar, he was at a complete loss when it came to these enchantments but he reasoned that the wizards or whoever who made the spell wouldn't do anything too reckless, and that the scoring system would make sense eventually.

“Five... hundred... ah, it's done!” Linhardt said smugly as he sat back, letting the deck of cards levitate in the air, shuffle itself and spat seven cards each at the four players.

“Linhardt, forgive me if this sounds rude,” Hubert began, not really caring if it was rude or not “But did you research an ancient tome of knowledge for the purpose of not having to shuffle a deck of cards?”

“Essentially yes, and to stop having to reach over into the centre to draw from the deck.” The green-haired mage confessed as he played his first card on the table, a red five. From there, the game progressed fairly calmly until Caspar laid down a red zero, whereupon the true meaning of his interference of the runes was revealed.

The number itself was replicated in a smoke ring above the centre of the table, it dissipated as the cards in everyone's hands were gripped by an invisible force, pulling them away and handing them to the person sitting on their right: Linhardt's to Caspar, Caspar's to Hubert, Hubert's to Alois and Alois' to Linhardt. “What kind of rule is this!?” Alois barked, wide eyed not because he had just been handed the utter dogs dinner that was Hubert's hand.

“Ah... this must have been... let me check,” Linhardt sheepishly set down his cards and dived back for the instructional book as Hubert laid down a two card pickup to add insult to the knight's injury, the levitating deck viciously spitting the cards at Alois, forcing him to duck before picking them up.

“This is more vicious than the knight's games.” he sighed as he passed the turn to the still researching Linhardt.

“Speaking off, why aren't you playing with the Knights?” Hubert asked.

“Well... I haven't been with them for a few months.” Alois nervously answered.

“Why not?” Caspar asked innocently.

“ _Alois...” Jeralt growled “If you say 'here's looking at you kid' one more Goddess-damned time, I'm gonna-”_

“ _Hey Jeralt!” Alois cheered with the cheesiest grin imaginable as he played a Wild Draw Four “Here's looking at you kid!”_

“...It just hasn't been the same since the Captain died...” Alois mumbled, causing Hubert and Caspar to look very intently at their cards.

“Ah, so apparently, this means that the seven-zero rule is in effect.” Linhardt announced, characteristically misreading the sudden sombre atmosphere.

“So, what does that mean?” Alois asked, brightening up.

“I don't know, let's find out.” Lin said, playing his card, the red smoke forming a Seven above the table this time, only this time with runes pointing to everyone else at the table.

“What the?” Hubert let out as the arrow pointing to him lit up with a vague wave of the mage's hand, forcibly pulling the cards out of his own grip and switching it with Linhardt's “Why!?” He demanded. Damn it, he was doing vaguely well so far, he could have been out in only a few minutes!

“You had the least cards,” The lazy mage shrugged “Good ones too.”

“Let me see!” Caspar jumped in.

“You can't see each other's cards, Caspar...” Linhardt sighed.

“I can with this.” The short fighter declared as he laid down his own Seven, letting the green glow compliment the surprisingly angry expression as he swapped his hand for Linhardt's while Alois laughed.

“That was uncalled for.” Lin declared.

“Hey it was all I could play!” Caspar yelped defensively “Hubert had the least cards, then you did, so I'm winning right?” He asked as Hubert changed the colour to Yellow.

“Well yes,” Alois wheezed, still recovering from his laughing fit “But actually no.” He finished, playing a blue Seven to switch with Caspar.

“WHAT!?” Caspar yelled as he was suddenly given the larger hand, going from five cards to eight while Hubert groaned.

“This is going to take a while..."


End file.
